The following is the table of contents and  excerpts from the book, The Grammar Police Never Sleep (tm).

All rights reserved. no duplication allowed copyright 2010 by Tom Torriglia

Contents

Disclaimer: No advertising copywriters were harmed during the writing of this book although I really hope I get to strangle each and every one of them someday!

Introduction

The spoken language is an offshoot from the written language. Sometimes, you will hear deviances from the written language in the spoken language. This is not good. For example, you may hear someone say, "fresh baked." Advertisers use a language called "adspeak." It is the term they hide behind to defend their misuse of grammar and punctuation. They keep saying, that they only used the words they used for effect and to grab people’s attention. The Grammar Police don’t care. It is wrong and they need to be punished. Sit up, pal! I’m talking to you.

In 1986, I started the National Association for Good Grammar (NAGG), a watchdog organization that would, well, NAGG companies by asking them about the copy in their ads and why they didn't punctuate correctly or use correct wording. When I found, saw or heard ads that didn't have correct grammar or punctuation in them, I would either make a note of the ad or in the case of print ads, clip them out and then contact the company and ask what was up. I wanted answers…and I wanted corrections.

The typical reply was that We're advertising. We don't need to conform to correct rules of grammar and punctuation. Or, they would say stuff like Well, we follow the AP style guide, or we know it is wrong, but if we used the correct grammar or punctuation, the message wouldn't have the same impact. Sometimes they would say it was for space reasons. Yup, sure. As you go through this book, you'll read some actual responses and you can decide for yourself whether they have merit or not.

After my first book, The Nighttime Good Time Guide to San Francisco, which detailed fun places to eat, drink and be merry in San Francisco came out in 1988, I was asked to work as an entertainment journalist on Bay Area radio stations talking about upcoming events and providing critiques of musicals, plays and other entertainment. After one of my segments, the DJ, who knew I was grammar geek, asked me to come in to talk about grammar. So, I went to the file cabinet and pulled out a bunch of case files – not he misdemeanors…grammar felonies…only the big stuff.

After about only two minutes of talking about the ads, the phone lines lighted up with people calling to complain about bad grammar. I really touched a nerve and the listeners were as outraged as I.

The Grammar Police Never Sleep is a reference book that looks at the world of grammar, punctuation and spelling through the lens of the real world. This book is a light-hearted in approach but serious in intent.

I use real-world example to illustrate good and bad uses of grammar, punctuation and spelling. In the book, I try to answer some questions and in the process raises some questions. It contains examples of many common errors and misconceptions. It also contains some usage guidelines.

The rule is simple.

(It’s the 4^th of July but not the July 4^th weekend. It’s the July 4 weekend.)

If you include only the date, use an extension.

(My birthday is on the 8th, not my birthday is on the 8.)

If you include the month after the date, use an extension.

(The 31st of May is Memorial Day, not the 31 of May is Memorial Day.)

See, that wasn't too difficult. Here are some more examples.

Today is January 1st. (incorrect because it includes month and date). It should be Today is January 1.

Today is February 2nd. (incorrect because it includes month and date)

Today is the 3rd of March. (correct. Month after date)

What do you think? Oh and by the way, Marisa wrote back apologizing for the typos in the email, above. She did not apologize for the mis-placed comma after the word "examples."

By the way, sic means thus or so in Latin. You place "(sic)" after any misspelled word in a document that you didn’t misspell--the original author did. Inserting a sic is your way of saying to the world that you know how to spell and that other guy doesn’t.

It was a Tuesday night. 11:08 p.m. I was driving south on 101 near Novato and off to the right sits this Burger King. I was thirsty for a soda after bringing in a gang of comma criminals who had been terrorizing the countryside by removing commas on billboard signs. I needed a break, so I stopped at this Burger King. I got a lot more than a soda for my nickel. I got bad grammar.

Burger King. Novato, CA,

What is the offense? Writing 12 AM.

Why it is incorrect: There is no such thing as 12AM just as there is no such thing as 12PM, you hamburger.

The answer: You write either It's either midnight or noon. Sometimes you see people write 12 noon or 12 midnight. That’s OK.

Just as an aside, I wonder why in the photo they separate Sunday-Wednesday and Thursday-Saturday when obviously they are open seven days a week until 12 AM. Must be mad copywriters’ disease.

Use the extension ante meridiem (a.m.) for the morning hours and post meridiem (p.m.) for the afternoon and evening hours. As in 1:00 p.m.

Obviously, something else they don’t know is where the grammar books are because they are implying the game starts at noon, but it doesn’t say noon. It says 12 p.m. They have a sports wrap-up show that starts at 11:30 p.m. I think it’s logical to assume that since 12 follows 11 that the game comes on after the sports wrap-up show.

I’ve never understood why people call something the first annual event when it is impossible to know if the event is going to do well enough to warrant a second go-round. I sent in some undercover grammarians from the Academy to sniff things out how successful things were at this cheese festival. at this Cheese festival.

What is the offense? One of the first things I learned in Marketing 101 was that first annual doesn't mean it's the first time you are doing something. It's the second time. The 10th annual is actually the 11th time you are doing something, etc. Unfortunately, this marketing class was sparsely attended and most writers, like the one who created the ad above, don't make that distinction, but I know you will.

The first time you put on an event, whether it's going to be an annual event or not, refer to the event as the first ever XYZ event or inaugural XYZ event.

In the example above, the cheeseheads wrote 1^st annual in the rendering and inaugural in the text. They were probably unsure which was correct so they used both.

Why it is incorrect: It can’t be an annual event the first time it occurs.

The answer: Let me put it this way. The first time an event is produced, whether it is an annual event or not, refer to the event as the first ever XYZ event or inaugural XYZ event.

People don't celebrate their first birthday on the day they were born. They wait one year. The day a person is born is his/her first ever or inaugural day in the world. Also, married couples don't celebrate their first anniversary on the day they were wed. The day they were wed was their first ever day or inaugural day as a married couple. They wait one year to celebrate their first anniversary.

I found someone who wrote on a web site that The second edition of the International Barbera Competition was going to be held. That works. It is the second time they are putting on the event. Here is San Francisco there is a Russian festival each year and they always have a banner that reads something like 15th Russian Festival on May 25. So, they are not saying it is the 15th anniversary, but the 15th time they are having this festival, which is correct.

Below is the revised logo they used the subsequent year.

After the Grammar police got through with these scofflaws they got rid of annual and replaced it with California. Interesting.

Perhaps we should report drunken sign makers who don’t know how to use participles. On March 6, I called the San Francisco Department of Parking and Traffic’s sign shop at 415 554 9785 to find out why they used the word drunk instead of drunken. ……..

A drunken sailor or a wooden leg. When used as an adjective, add the en or n to the participle. On TV, you hear announcers say drunk driver, but in newspapers, you always see drunken drivers. It’s very odd. So, what’s the big deal? Whether you use drunk or drunken we all know what you mean; the driver drank too much.

But, this distinction is important and as a recruit in the grammar police you now make that distinction. Otherwise, you wind up with this scenario to ponder…If you are going to put a screw into a piece of wood, do you use a wood screw or a wooden screw?

That’s right, today myself and a few of the boys took a little ride out of town to visit some adjectives that just came into town and were cooling their heels out at that big compound.

As opposed to other adjectives, compound adjectives are usually up to no good.

What is the offense? The compound adjective does not have a hyphen between it.

Why it is incorrect: Without the hyphen, you can’t tell if JC Penney is having a sale lasting two days or two sales during the day? On February 23, 2007, I called JC Penney at 972 431 8200 to find out the answer and left a message regarding this for a Suzy Leseman in corporate customer care. I am still waiting for her reply. I think everyone will agree it is a sale lasting two days.

The answer: Two-Day Sale. Compound adjectives are two adjectives which act together to modify the noun that comes after them. They are joined by a hyphen when neither adjective modifies the noun on its own. For example, in All-Star game, it is not an All Game nor is it a Star Game, but together, it is an All-Star game. Other examples include white-collar crime. It is not a white crime nor is it a collar crime. It is a white-collar crime.

(http://oakland.athletics.mlb.com/ticketing/index.jsp?c_id=oak)

What is the offense? Missing hyphen between Five and Day

Why it is incorrect: It is not a Five Trial nor is it a Day Trial, but rather, it is a Five-Day Trial.

The answer: Place a hyphen between the Five and Day.

It is difficult to understand why these copywriters didn’t place a hyphen between Five and Day but did place a hyphen between Risk and Free. Someone must have gone through the exercise of asking if it is a risk trial and if it is a free trial and determined correctly that a hyphen was needed but didn’t think a hyphen was needed between five and day. I have decided to fine them double since there are two errors in one ad.

Compound adjectives are two adjectives which act together to modify the noun that comes after them. They are joined by a hyphen when neither adjective modifies the noun on its own. For example, in All-Star game, it's not an All Game nor is it a Star Game, but together, it's an All-Star game. Other examples include white-collar crime. It's not a white crime nor is it a collar crime. It's a white-collar crime. What about Blu Ray Disk. Hyphen or no hyphen?…Hyphen. It’s not a Blu disk and it’s not a Ray disk.

In this caption that I found on April 14, 2007 (http://oakland.athletics.mlb.com/ticketing/index.jsp?c_id=oak) you can see that the baseball people correctly placed a hyphen between Risk and Free because it’s not a Risk Trial (although it may be a free trial), but rather, it’s a Risk-Free Trial. But, what’s hard to understand is why they didn’t apply the same logic to the rest of the caption and didn’t include a hyphen between Five and Day since it’s not a Five Trial nor is it a Day Trial, but rather, it’s a Five-Day Trial. Weird.

JC Penney ran this ad's headline on February 23, 2007.

As you can see, there's no hyphen between the TWO and the DAY. So, is JC Penney having one sale lasting two days or two sales during the day? On February 23, 2007, I called JC Penney at 972 431 8200 to find out the answer and left a message regarding this for a Suzy Leseman in corporate customer care. I am still waiting for her reply. I think everyone will agree it's a sale lasting two days, so why not put a hyphen between the TWO and the DAY so that the compound adjective is punctuated correctly? If kids see that this is how you punctuate compound adjectives in the real world and they see that rule taught to them in school, they may actually put a hyphen between compound adjectives when they write.

Don’t use a hyphen if you are using an adverb (LY word) as in highly motivated student, seriously injured pedestrian, etc.

Remember, it’s fresh-baked bread (compound adjective takes a hyphen) and freshly baked bread (adverb + adjective takes no hyphen.)

This is what we call around the station "screw ups of a presidential nature" and mark my words, someone is going to the grammar jail because punctuating like this is a crime.

What is the offense: President’s

Why it is wrong: We are honoring more than one President on Presidents’ day

The answer: Presidents’

One of the biggest misuses of the possessive is with two American holidays, Presidents' Day and Veterans' Day. Each of these holidays honor two or more people. Therefore, you need to follow the rules for punctuating possessive plural which is adding an apostrophe after the s.

Singular: President

Plural Possessive: Presidents' Day.

Here is our old friend Macy's who actually got it right.

Singular: Veteran

Even though the rules are very clear and easy to follow, most people struggle with the correct punctuation.

So, they are honoring just one President here. Whom could it be? And they aren't actually having a sale but an event! So, in theory, they could be jacking up prices in honor of Presidents' day.

Now, here's a newspaper that just decided that no apostrophe was correct. It's not.

What is the offense? In this case, no apostrophe

Why it is wrong: You need an apostrophe after the "s."

The answer: Presidents’

When I sent a note to the Chronicle to find out why they didn’t insert an apostrophe after the s, I received this reply:

The stylebook folks tell me that the Chronicle pretty much follows AP's rule on possessives. You'll also find a lot of discussion about the relative merits of Presidents' Day v. Presidents Day by doing a web search. The following is the Chronicle's style entry.

"Some nouns, especially plurals, take on the character of a possessive (adjective) before other nouns and can be used without an apostrophe (boys basketball, for example)."

D.R., San Francisco Chronicle

Readerrep@sfchronicle.com

As you know, the Grammar Police only eat healthily and pancakes aren’t part of our diet. This is what grammar fiends eat, not grammar friends. Grammar fiends don’t use hyphens correctly. Don’t make us come out and find you if you are a grammar fiend.

What is the offense? Missing hyphens

Why it is wrong: Use hyphens between two or more words that are used together to comprise a compound adjective before the noun

The answer: All-you-can-eat pancakes. The easiest way to know if you need a hyphen is to use each adjective with the noun to see if they make sense together. In this example, it’s not an All pancake, it’s not a you pancake, it’s not a can pancake and it’s not an eat pancake, it’s an all-you-can-eat pancake.

While we’re at it, we’re going to issue a citation for using the apostrophe in: IHOP’s. It’s simple plural and not possessive and should have been written IHOPs.

A Word to the Wise

Here at the academy, we teach the cadets that they always have choices. It is time to talk about word choices. On August 30, I was watching an H&R Block TV commercial where the scene is in a coffee a shop and a group of people are sitting around and one person says, "Who couldn’t use a little extra money?" And the waitress in the commercial says, "I could."  Huh?

When you write and when you speak, choose words that explain yourself as clearly and concisely as possible. This can be difficult because in English there may be multiple words that have the same meaning- and different meanings. For example, the word hard. It can mean something solid, like a rock or it can mean a task that is not easy to complete.

Effective January 18, 2002, the United States Postal Service officially became morons who don’t know how to spell the word destination.

To our valued customers, effective January 18, 2002, we of the United States Postal Service became frickin’ morons who don’t know how to spell the word destination.

I guess what happened is some supervisor went into the office of a writer and asked him or her to write up something about next-day delivery and reminded the writer not to use the spellchecker when he/she was done and also not have anyone proofread the text, especially not the printer. This writer’s desination is the dungeon.

Also, while we’re here, how about a hyphen between next and day and another hyphen between major, market and network; and maybe a period between the p and the m as in p.m. So, just how many post offices do you think there are in America?

So, I called the Post Office at 1-800-275-8777 . The customer service rep I spoke with said I had to talk to the consumer affairs’ person in the San Francisco area, but unfortunately, he said there was no phone number. The representative did give the number of the Rincon post office in San Francisco (415 371 5160). The person at Rincon said that of course there is a number for the San Francisco consumer affairs department and it is 415 896 0762. I called that number and after about 30 rings, the line went busy. No one picked up, no machine, no nothin’. So, I called the USPS back and this time I got a supervisor who told me I had to talk to the SF consumer affairs department but there is no published number for them but she could transfer me. I asked if the number was 415 896 0762. She said no. So she transferred me and the phone rang and rang and finally, a recorded voice came on and said "your party is not answering." Duh. Then, the voice said to try my call later which means I have to call the USPS back since they didn’t give me the number. This wouldn’t be such a big deal except every time I call them I have to wade through a myriad of "say this say that." Finally, I get another supervisor who says there is no phone number for the San Francisco consumer affairs office and he doesn’t know what number the other supervisor transferred me to. Finally, he asks if I want the consumer affairs office in Los Angeles. Sure, why not. That number is 323 586 1250. Allrighty, the Los Angeles person told me to call 415 371 5165. Ta da! A very nice lady named Rachel answered the phone. I told her about the poster and she said her communications manager would be in touch with me within a week. That means the communications manager will contact me by May 22, 2008. I’m still waiting.

This is from a Dunkin’ Donuts TV commercial from March ’08 (https://www.dunkindonuts.com/). I liked the commercial which spoofed Starbucks, but couldn’t understand why they misspelled the word dieci because what is the point for misspelling the Italian word for 10. I really don’t think that misspelling the word dieci is going to make the commercial more impactful because other than myself and the cadets here at the grammar academy how many people do you think are really going to notice it is misspelled? Maybe two?

Here is the reply I received on March 17 from my email. "We do not have information on why we spell "dieci" the way we do in our commercials. If you have contacted our PR department you should hear back from someone. We apology for not being more helpful. At Dunkin' Donuts we value our customers and are committed to making your visits to our stores a pleasant experience. If we can be of any further service please feel free to call us toll free at 1-800-859-5339. Thank you and have a great day."

Well, at least she is honest. Also, if you watch this commercial, the girl behind the counter asks the customer, "can I help you?" instead of using may which reinforces the fact that it is OK to use wrong grammar.

Sorry, it is the grammar guillotine for you.

And finally, let the truth be told.